


grind my teeth smooth and flat in my sleep

by irlbyron



Series: Abuse Survivor Marcus Keane [3]
Category: The Exorcist (TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-02 03:05:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8649199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irlbyron/pseuds/irlbyron
Summary: Marcus has never had a panic attack in front of Tomas. Then again, when you're an exorcist, you should be used to unexpected experiences.





	

**Author's Note:**

> warning for past child abuse, and mentions of child abuse and child murder in a news report. title from 'borne on the fm waves of the heart' by against me!. i understand im not a good writer but in my defense im sad and this is all free so idk.

The two of them hadn’t been working together for long, but Tomás had already started picking up on Marcus’ strange habits and behaviours. He smoked and drank; habits that had developed after he’d been excommunicated. He bit his nails when he was deep in thought, though he’d immediately stop if he heard someone enter the room. What Tomás had not been expecting, upon spending more time with Marcus, was his intense anxiety; the man seemed persistently anxious in almost every situation. He bounced his leg and chewed his lip. Ground his teeth so loud Tomás could hear him. Squeezed Tomás’ hand when something set him off and it was too much, and Tomás let him.

 

Tomás had slowly begun to uncover the triggers for Marcus’ anxiety. While he didn’t know the full story of Marcus’ past, he knew enough. Fathers and sons together often triggered him, made him flashback or zone out, and Tomás would later find him smoking, drinking, and potentially crying in his bedroom. Tomás had also become accustomed to the occasional nightmares; the yells and sometimes sobs were no longer a surprise, but rather an unfortunate fact of life. All in all, at this point in their relationship Marcus’ anxious behaviours and reactions were no longer a surprise to Tomás. So far.

/////

Tomás was lazily flicking through channels with Marcus sat next to him, both gazing blankly at the television. Tomás settled on the news and dropped the remote on the coffee table and leaned back in his seat. Marcus was sat a foot or so away, picking at his fingernails and biting his lip as he watched the television. Tomás turned back to the TV as a new report started up.

 

“Today police revealed details about the horrific murder-suicide of a mother and father. The father shot himself after shooting his wife in front of their son. Their son was also reportedly a victim of repeated abuse at the hands of the father and-.”

 

Tomás’ head turned in response to the sound of a sharp intake of breath and saw Marcus leaning on his knees, breathing heavily. Tomás recognised it instantly as a panic attack, presumably in response to the content of the news story. “Marcus? Marcus, are you ok?” Tomás asked, and rushed to kneel in front of Marcus. “Marcus, talk to me.”

 

“C-can’t breathe” Marcus gasped. His hands scrabbled at Tomás’ shirt and he wheezed desperately. “C-can’t-”

 

“Marcus, you’re having a panic attack. I need you to breathe with me, ok? You’re safe, just breathe in and out with me,” Tomás said, breathing loudly and trying to get Marcus to focus on him.

 

Marcus shook his head, tears in his eyes. “I-I can’t, Tomás, please” He panted.

 

“Listen, sweetheart, I know you can,” Tomás soothed, cupping Marcus’ face and maintaining eye contact. “Just in and out. You’re not dying, you’re not sick, you’re scared. Come on.”

 

Marcus grasped tightly onto Tomás’ hands, squeezing them tight, and tried to match his breathing with Tomás’. His breathing slowed slightly and he felt the panic subside slightly. “Tomás, I-”

 

“Shh, shh, don’t speak. It’s ok, let’s calm you down first. In and out, that’s it” Tomás said, gently stroking Marcus’ face with the pad of his thumb.“You’re doing so well, ok?”

 

“Bloody bollocks” Marcus spat. “I can’t… this is pathetic.”

 

“No, no, it’s not your fault” Tomás implored. “I promise you, you have zero control about whether or not this happens, ok?”

 

Marcus nodded, and just kept breathing with Tomás. Slowly, in and out. Focusing on the sound of his and Tomás’ breath and nothing else. The world slowed down a little, stopped spinning, and he was able to look at Tomás properly. Tomás was gazing at him with focus and concern, no pity or mocking. Marcus sighed and leant forward, gently resting his forehead against Tomás. “Thank you” He murmured. “Really. I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s not your fault. It is not your fault, Marcus,” Tomás said firmly. “Was- was it the news story?”

 

Marcus nodded. “It- it reminded me of… of, you know,” he said, shrugging.

 

“Ok, it’s ok. You’re safe now. Let’s get you something to drink, I’ll be right back, alright?” Tomás said, kissing Marcus’ forehead and walking to the kitchen.

 

Marcus nodded and sighed. He ran a hand across his head and hid his face in his hands and groaned. He’d love, if for one day, he didn’t have a fucking breakdown over something so fucking stupid. Every day, he’d see a father and son, or a news report, and he’d snap and spend hours drinking and crying cause of the stupid thing that had happened to him.

 

“Hey, hey,” it was Tomás, back with a glass of water. “Can you look at me? Are you alright?”

 

“Just reminiscing over how absolutely bloody stupid I am,” Marcus sighed, taking a drink from the glass. “I’m sorry, love, I don’t know why this keeps happening.”

 

Tomás sighed and sat down next to Marcus. “You’re not stupid. You’re an abuse survivor, it’s no surprise that sometimes you panic. Don’t feel bad, Marcus. You’ve done nothing wrong. God loves you and you’re never alone in this world.”

 

Marcus just sighed, leant against Tomás, and closed his eyes. Tomás took one of his hands and squeezed it gently. The two men sat together in silence, Tomás having turned the TV off, and Marcus let the sound of breathing calm him into an almost-sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> pls leave me comments and kudos, and send me requests @irlbyron on tumblr


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